The Lost Maxims of Equity
November 22, 2013 § Leave a comment
Several lawyers (thank you all) sent me links to the Volokh Conspiracy‘s blog post setting out the Lost Maxims of Equity. For those of you who have not seen them, here they are:
From 52 J. Legal Ed. 619 (2003):
He who seeks equity must do so with full pockets.
Equity is not for the squeamish.
Equity, schmequity.
Equity can be grumpy before its first cup of coffee.
Equity is crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.
Equity is a mean drunk.
Equity, like all of us, prefers the rich and good-looking.
These clever, tongue-in-cheek aphorisms are takeoffs on the great Maxims of Equity that I expounded about here previously in a series of posts. My fave from above is “Equity is crunchy …”
Over the years I have seen several versions of these humorous stabs at the maxims. I googled trying to find some other versions for you, but I misfired in the time allotted.
Again, thanks to those who sent me the link. And if any of you see something you think is worth posting, send it on. I don’t guarantee that I will post it, but you’re encouraged to send it anyway.
A Loris is not a Lorax
October 18, 2013 § 2 Comments
The pop singer Rihanna recently stirred up a lot of commotion when she posed for this picture with a loris in Thailand …
The loris — more exactly, a “slow loris” — is the creature perched on the lady’s right shoulder. Rihanna, for those of you who, like I, are abysmally ignorant of pop culture, is the lady doing the self-pic with a creature perched on her right shoulder.
A loris is a primate — some species of which are threatened, and all are protected — that lives in the rain forests of Southeast Asia. Despite some of their less attractive attributes, which include having a venomous bite (the only primate with such a skill, except for some lawyers) and inability of the young to clean themselves of fecal and other noisome matter, the cuddly little critters are in high demand as “living toys” due to their slow, deliberate movements, expressive eyes, soft fur, and docile behavior when handled.
The only natural predators of lorises, other than snakes, orangutans, and some raptors, are humans who hunt them illegally for their pethood. Poachers snatch baby lorises from the wild, killing their mothers to take the young. The young lorises then have their teeth pulled out with pliers or other implements, not only to make them more appealing to pet owners, but also, and most importantly, less likely to deliver a poisonous bite. Infections from the pulled teeth kill many of the captive baby animals. Since the lorises are not able to breed in captivity, the poachers have to take the young creatures to meet demand, which is considerable.
There are all sorts of international treaties and laws and federal statutes that ban the importation of lorises and other animals into the US. But if, somehow, one found its way into the Magnolia State, what would its legal status be under state law? Mississippi is, after all, a fairly laissez faire jurisdiction when it comes to many of people’s personal preferences in such matters.
Well, turns out that Mississippi, like most states, does regulate some animals, primates included, as you can divine from this quasi-helpful map:
Mississippi regulates “Animals inherently dangerous to humans,” and makes it illegal to import, transfer, sell, purchase or possess them, except by permit or exception (e.g., zoos, transient circuses, research facilities, et al.). MCA 49-8-5, 49-8-7.
The loris, however, is not included among the proscribed creatures. Among the primates covered by Mississippi law are gibbons, orangutans, chimpanzees, siamangs, gorillas, macaques, mandrills, drills, baboons, and Gelada baboons. No loris. Not even a slow loris.
FYI, also restricted in our fair state are: wolves, jackals, dingoes, wolf-cross-breeds, maned wolves, red dogs, African hunting dogs, bears, wolverines, hyenas, lions, tigers, jaguars, leopards, snow leopards, cheetahs, cougars, elephants, hippopotami, and African buffalo.
Caveat: Do not confuse the loris with the lorax, although both creatures are closely related to environmental and conservational concerns. The lorax was exhaustively researched by Theodor Geisel, and was found to be benign, non-venomous (except perhaps to the logging industry), and free of disgusting habits. Oh, and the lorax is not an “animal inherently dangerous to humans” under Mississippi law.
Trial Lawyer’s Prayer
October 11, 2013 § 2 Comments
Every lawyer, even the professed non-believer, invokes the power of prayer from time to time in the course of legal combat. Come on, admit it. I suppose one reason for the phenomenon is the old saw that “there are no atheists in the trenches.” And another is the realization that, how else but through divine intervention are we expected to be able to survive in the toxic fog of litigation war?
Here is an admittedly tongue-in-cheek trial lawyer’s prayer that illustrates my point …
Trial Lawyer’s Prayer, by Evan Schaeffer
Dear Lord: Here I am, back in Church. It’s been awhile, I freely admit, and I apologize for the long string of Sunday absences, but as you know, the demands of my busy practice often require me to work all weekend, Sundays included. That’s true even today, Lord, but today is a special Sunday. So special, in fact, that to skip Mass today would be malpractice, more or less, if you know what I mean, which, of course, you do.
Tomorrow is the big trial. Not only is it big, Lord, but as you know already, it’s huge, the most important trial of my career to date, the trial at which my client stands to collect millions of dollars, in addition to a sizable punitive damage award. With this in mind, Lord, I come to you today at Mass. And even though I may be preoccupied from time to time, which is understandable given the magnitude of my burden, I ask that you have mercy on your humble servant, and hear his prayer.
And so, I pray as follows:
First and foremost, Lord, let your light shine on my opponent, that he may come to me tomorrow morning before the trial begins with the news that he will accept my settlement demand, which as I recall is in the neighborhood of $7 million. Of course, you shouldn’t let your light shine too brightly on my opponent, if you know what I mean, which of course you do, but at least grant him the wisdom to look upon my settlement demand as worthy of his consideration, even if it isn’t, so that the trial won’t even be necessary, and I can begin working on my next big case.
On the other hand, Lord, if it be your plan that before I win, and cement my reputation as a trial lawyer of the first rank, my opponent and I will actually have to engage in courtroom battle, then as your humble servant I will accept your judgment. However, please keep in mind that an early settlement is certainly the better option, as it would immediately alleviate the stress on my heart, and allow me to get some much-needed sleep. You should also know, Lord, that an early settlement will free up my Sundays for at least the next month, making it no problem at all to drop by for the guitar Mass, which is my personal favorite, and which, as you know, always makes me tap my foot and occasionally, sing out loud.
But I digress. I fully understand, Lord, that speaking frankly, there is almost no chance of an early settlement, since in truth, my $7 million demand is outrageous, and my opponent would to be out of his mind to accept it. So I will assume, Lord, for purposes of this prayer only, that I am going to trial in the morning, despite the fact that it is likely to turn my hair prematurely gray, and is even now making my stomach queasy with worry and uncertainty.
And so, Lord, if we aren’t able to settle the case in the morning, and if the Judge doesn’t cancel the trial so that he can go fishing, which, as you know, he loves to do, and perhaps should be omnisciently compelled to do tomorrow, then I will stand before the jury and in my loudest voice, demand that they return a verdict of $7 million.
Be with me when I do that, Lord. It will take guts, and bravado, and a certain amount of recklessness on my part, especially considering the facts, which tend to favor my opponent on many points, including, as you know, all the important ones.
Be with me, Lord, not only when I attempt to use my powers of persuasion to sway the jury to an unreasonable verdict, but also during cross-examination, when I plan to make up the distance between what actually happened to my client, and what I will tell the jury actually happened. What I mean, Lord, is grant me the fortitude to be a good cross-examiner, such that I ferret out the truth when it helps my case, and skillfully conceal it when it doesn’t. Aid me in making it perfectly clear to the jury why I’m right, and why my opponent is wrong, even though, as I said, you should bless him too, but not excessively, and only at the conclusion of the entire case, including any appeal, which often takes months or years.
And finally, Lord, bless my witnesses, that they will remember to stick to the story that I have so carefully prepared for them, and avoid being caught in any damaging inconsistencies, and be spared the embarrassment of sweating profusely out of nervousness, or of losing their tempers when cross-examined by my opponent, or of exposing the bad sides of their characters, thereby alienating the jury, the members of which, by the way, you should also bless, but only once they’re firmly on my side.
It’s a long list, Lord, but it’s a big case. I hope you understand that, which, of course, you do. And now, Lord, I’m afraid it’s back to work.
Amen.
[Editor’s note … I am giving the author the benefit of the doubt that by ” … they will remember to stick to the story that I have so carefully prepared for them …” he means the trial preparation he has gone through to properly state the facts they observed, which is ethical, as opposed to a story he made up, which is completely unethical.]
ADDICTED TO BRAKE FLUID
March 8, 2013 § Leave a comment
In a gesture to make up for the last miserable helping of puns I dished out to you, I donned a haz-mat suit and dug down to the stratum where the vein of these monstrosities is found, and mined this lode for you …
You still have to supply your own rimshots.
Here they are …
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
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All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
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I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
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When chemists die, they barium.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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I know a guy who denies he’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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This woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never
met herbivore.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
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I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
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They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.
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Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, to be followed by a pop quiz.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
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I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
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Velcro – what a rip off!
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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