Things We Think We Heard in Court

June 30, 2017 § 1 Comment

I try to jot down droll things that people say in the course of their testimony.

Here are two from just last week:

“It was her lies. That was the icing that broke the camel’s back.”


“I spend every penny on my children. It takes the cake to support them.”

My all-time favorite, reported here previously:

“Of course, you realize that the flip side of that coin is a two-edged sword.”

And a note that a defendant enclosed with his temporary alimony:

“I heard that your lawyer had a heart attack. I hope the little grease spot dies.”

That note was admitted into evidence along with several alimony checks with the entry “Fat cow extortion” on the memo line.

In a case I tried, a witness testified that the force of impact in a car crash was so great that her neighbor was “almost decapacitated.”

A woman testifying in a custody case repeatedly referred to her daughter as being “bi-polo.”

Pardon me for this one, but a woman earlier this week told the chancery clerks that she needed some papers “masturbated.” A clerk asked her if she meant notarized or certified. “No,” she said, “masturbated.”

And, finally, this actual exchange in my court:

Atty 1: Objection, irrelevant.

Court: How is that relevant?

Atty 2: I don’t know. I was just throwing up a Hail Mary hoping to hit something.

Court: Well, the pass is incomplete; call another play.


§ One Response to Things We Think We Heard in Court

  • Carter Bise says:

    Me: Would you like a continuance to find another attorney?

    Party: I can’t afford to buy another one.

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