THE BOOMERANG STRIKES HOME
February 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
Still more actual courtroom proceedings collected from hither and yon over the years …
Ask a Stupid Question …
Q: Sir, it says on your jury questionnaire that you are retired. What do you do in your spare time?
A: I smoke pot.
Q: Can you tell me about your job?
A: Very boring.
Q: More boring than this voir dire proceeding?
A: Oh, no. Not this boring.
Plaintiff’s lawyer: This case involves an automobile accident in which my client’s car was struck and he was severely injured. If there is anyone here who does not have a valid driver’s license, would you please raise your hand?
[At which the jury panel and courtroom in general erupt in laughter. Counsel for plaintiff wheels around to see that his client is the only person in the courtroom with a hand raised.]
Defense Lawyer: Now, about the motorcycle accident you were in, did you suffer any injuries?
A: Yes, a broken neck, leg, and arms, abrasions all over.
Defense Lawyer: Just answer yes or no, please. Did your injuries cause you any lingering problems?
A: Yes. Arthritis, daily pain. Pain all the time. Can’t sleep for the pain. Throbbing in my head. Walk with a limp. Hurt so much I can’t get comfortable, whether I sit, stand or lie down. Ruined my sex life. Don’t enjoy doing nothing anymore. I used to hunt and fish, but I can’t no more. Can’t even go to the movies. Sometimes I just cry from hurting so bad. I’m in pain right this minute.
Defense Lawyer: [Sarcastically] Thank you very much for being so forthcoming, sir.
A: Just trying to be honest.
Q: What would you decide if you were in the jury room deliberating and you thought that the defendant was innocent?
A: Oh, about two years.
Atty: Objection, Judge, this is just an attempt to make me look like a fool by going into this.
Court: Is that the only ground for your objection?
Atty: Yes, sir.
Gathering Nuts from the Family Tree
Q: Ma’am, please tell the court how your first marriage was terminated.
A: By death.
Q: And whose death was that?
Q: Please tell the court how big your work shed is at the former marital residence.
A: I would say about ‘yay wide and …
Q: If you can, Mr. Jones, please give the measurements for the record.
A: In meters or feet?
A: I have no idea.
Q: Now, ma’am, you said that your husband called you a whore …
A: Absolutely not! He would never call me a whore.
Q: I wrote in my notes that you said he had called you that. Did I write that down wrong?
A: You must have, because he never called me that.
Q: So what was it that he called you?
A: Slut. He called me a slut all the time, but he never called me a whore. He just was not that kind of person.
[This is actually from a Jan Karon novel, but I couldn’t resist including it …]
Q: So, you have six children?
A: Yes, six. Three sets of twins.
Q: My, my. Three sets of twins! So you had twins every time?
A: Oh, heavens no! There was lots of times when we didn’t get nothing.