February 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Still more actual courtroom proceedings collected from hither and yon over the years …

Ask a Stupid Question …

Q:       Sir, it says on your jury questionnaire that you are retired. What do you do in your spare time?

A:       I smoke pot.


Q:       Can you tell me about your job?

A:       Very boring.

Q:       More boring than this voir dire proceeding?

A:       Oh, no. Not this boring.


Plaintiff’s lawyer:       This case involves an automobile accident in which my client’s car was struck and he was severely injured. If there is anyone here who does not have a valid driver’s license, would you please raise your hand?

[At which the jury panel and courtroom in general erupt in laughter. Counsel for plaintiff wheels around to see that his client is the only person in the courtroom with a hand raised.]


Defense Lawyer:    Now, about the motorcycle accident you were in, did you suffer any injuries?

A:       Yes, a broken neck, leg, and arms, abrasions all over.

Defense Lawyer:    Just answer yes or no, please. Did your injuries cause you any lingering problems?

A:       Yes. Arthritis, daily pain. Pain all the time. Can’t sleep for the pain. Throbbing in my head. Walk with a limp. Hurt so much I can’t get comfortable, whether I sit, stand or lie down. Ruined my sex life. Don’t enjoy doing nothing anymore. I used to hunt and fish, but I can’t no more. Can’t even go to the movies. Sometimes I just cry from hurting so bad. I’m in pain right this minute.

Defense Lawyer:    [Sarcastically]  Thank you very much for being so forthcoming, sir.

A:       Just trying to be honest.


Q:       What would you decide if you were in the jury room deliberating and you thought that the defendant was innocent?

A:       Oh, about two years.


Objective Case

Atty:       Objection, Judge, this is just an attempt to make me look like a fool by going into this.

Court:     Is that the only ground for your objection?

Atty:       Yes, sir.

Court:     Overruled.


Gathering Nuts from the Family Tree

Q:       Ma’am, please tell the court how your first marriage was terminated.

A:       By death.

Q:       And whose death was that?


Q:       Please tell the court how big your work shed is at the former marital residence.

A:       I would say about ‘yay wide and …

Q:       If you can, Mr. Jones, please give the measurements for the record.

A:       In meters or feet?

Q:       Either.

A:       I have no idea.


Q:       Now, ma’am, you said that your husband called you a whore …

A:       Absolutely not! He would never call me a whore.

Q:       I wrote in my notes that you said he had called you that. Did I write that down wrong?

A:       You must have, because he never called me that.

Q:       So what was it that he called you?

A:       Slut. He called me a slut all the time, but he never called me a whore. He just was not that kind of person.


[This is actually from a Jan Karon novel, but I couldn’t resist including it …]

Q:       So, you have six children?

A:       Yes, six. Three sets of twins.

Q:       My, my. Three sets of twins! So you had twins every time?

A:       Oh, heavens no! There was lots of times when we didn’t get nothing.


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